Friday, November 06, 2009
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe: well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece: gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain: with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel: has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada: self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet: wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today..'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
The first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said:
'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty -year life span.'
The monkey said:
'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said:
'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life . For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said:
'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Happy Birthday to the Flying Nun - Sally Field:
Another fantastic actress - do you remember Steel Magnolias? I remember a couple lines in there I will never forget. The strength a woman has . . .
M'Lynn: I find it amusing. Men are supposed to be made out of steel or something. I just sat there. I just held Shelby's hand. There was no noise, no tremble, just peace. Oh god. I realize as a woman how lucky I am. I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life.