54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
Senior Health Care Solution
So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.
Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need!
New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart?
And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators.
S O M E T I ME S
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile ...
-----But FART !! just ONE time... And everybody knows!! -------
And you think you're having a bad day . . .
Happy Birthday Willie Nelson - wikipedia
In 1990, the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) handed Nelson a bill for $16.7 million in back taxes and seized most of his assets to help pay the charges. He released The IRS Tapes: Who'll Buy My Memories? as a double album, with all profits going straight to the IRS. Many of his assets were auctioned and purchased by friends, who gave his possessions back to him or rented them at a nominal fee. He sued accounting firm Price Waterhouse, contending that they put him into tax shelters that were later disallowed. The lawsuit was settled for an undisclosed amount. His debts were paid by 1993.
Willie Nelson has been married four times and fathered nine children.
Martha Matthews from 1952-1962, children are Lana, Susie, and Billy (who died in 1991)
Shirley Collie from 1963-1971
Connie Koepke from 1971-1988, children are Paula Carlene and Amy Lee
Annie D'Angelo from 1991-present, children are Lukas Autry and Jacob Micah
Nelson can trace his genealogy to the American Revolutionary War, in which his ancestor John Nelson served as a Major.
Happy Birthday Willie!