Man driving down road. (Courtesy of Monica)
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, WITCH!
Man rounds next curve..
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.
Moral of the Story:
If men would just listen
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Romantic Lingerie 7.7.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,
"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't
done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He
returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood
on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table
and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up
at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on
the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed
softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said,
this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word
for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report
and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
A riddle for you to keep awake...
Eighty percent of Kindergartners solved this riddle, but only 5% of Stanford graduates figured it out!
Can you =nswer the following questions in one word?
1. The word has seven letters....
2. Preceded God...
3. Greater than God...
4. More Evil than the devil...
5. All poor people have it...
6. Healthy people need it....
7. If you eat it, you will die.
Did you figure it out?
Try hard before looking at the answers - which I will put on my blog tomorrow!
Did you get it?
Brace yourself for the answer.... TOMORROW!
LIFE BEGINS AT THE END OF YOUR SAFETY ZONE!