For 2018

"Life is lived forward, but understood backward. It is not until we are down the road and we stand on the mountain looking back through the valley that we can appreciate the terrain God has allowed us to scale.” Jill Savage

Monday, March 19, 2007

The Lamentations of Chatty know most days I have it right, but the last couple of days have been rough.

I read a Blog that asked why we Blog. I have wondered that myself. I Blog for lots of reasons. I'm trying to help others, I'm also trying to see if there are others out there that are like me, I'm trying to let my feelings out or vent, I'm trying to grow up on my life's journey, but I'm also doing it to help remind me how to change and to keep changing. Alas, I am only human.

Yesterday, my son called. He's a doctor that's going to do a a sub-fellowship starting this summer. He's already a doctor. He's already done a fellowship. Now he's going to do 'a sub-fellowship'. He didn't have to do any of the preceding, but he chose to do it.

Problem is the 'sub fellowship' requires a literal move from where's he's at now. He didn't have to do that either, he chose to move, he could have chosen to stay where he's at or another place closer to here. He chose it because it's the best place to get the training he needs.

So, he's actually lucky enough to be a doctor, the kind of doctor he wanted to be, and get the training where he wants. I admire so much of what he's done. He's given up so much of his own life to be a doctor for other people. So people, appreciate the sacrifices your doctor makes for you. That's not even mentioning the hours he has put in and that every forth night of his life he's up all night. His school bills and fellows don't get a lot of money until they are attendings.

He got married last year. Now the problem is that his wife can not get a job where he's going (she's a doctor too and would lose her skills not working for a year) and they have decided that they're going to have to live apart for the year.

He calls me and tells me all this and then he says, "But don't talk about it mom, it makes me sad".

Wow, he puts his pain out there and then says not to talk about it to "Chatty" Crone. He said it makes me feel better to talk about things when I hurt, but the opposite is true for him.

Do I believe that? Every instinct and everything I've learned in life tells me no. Your real problems start when you stuff things down - especially problems to your health. Doctors don't think like that though, everything is medicine to them, not mental.

Well, I tried not to talk about it. However, when someone you love is hurting and says what the problem is, and then says you can't talk about it, there's this heavy cloud over the conversation. I mean what do you say, what do you talk about at that point?

Dear God, I'd love to to talk to him about it and tell him that yes, it will be hard, and sad, and difficult, I hear his pain and I know it will hurt. I'd love to say I love you and have it count for something. Then say son, feel it, deal with it, talk about it and then when you are done grieving go to the positive side. Others have done it think about all the military folks out there.

I didn't, he just give me all negative answers anyway. So we talked about Reliv, he said he liked it but couldn't afford it. I offered to pay for it for him and he got mad at that.

Then he said that he and his wife will be too old in a couple years and that kids were probably out of the question - to risky. I asked him why worry about it and plan it so much, just do it. He got mad at that too. Says I don't understand. Well, he may be a doctor, but I know I'm a lot wiser than him.

Well, not a successful call. I saw it going no where. So instead of getting mad and trying to win him over to the positive side, I just told him I loved him and I thought it'd be a good time to talk to his dad. I knew his dad will talk sports and religion and not talk about the pain part. He's safer than I am.

He got mad and said mom you're not mad because I won't take Reliv. I laughed. He doesn't know me at all. I want him to take the nutrition because I love him and want the best for him, but other than that I could care less.

I'm mad at him because he won't talk to me. He never has. He has always been different. I let him go a long time ago. But yes, at times he can drag me back in and make me feel what I thought I had forgotten. I'm also mad because he married someone just like him. She is never going to be close to me because she too is a loner. It's him and her against the world and no one else can come in. I'm mad because they are taking future grandchildren away from me. I'm mad because there is nothing I can do - I can't fix it.

I feel like a horrible mother at times. I think about the children I never had, could have had, or lost. Would it be the same way between us? I guess not as my daughter and I are close. She sees and has been hurt by her brother.

But why God, why. I love him so much and want to be close. And the answer is always no. So when I think about change, I can change many things, but I can't change the hurt my heart feels sometimes.

A very human,
Chatty Crone

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