Do we EVER get totally over our past? No. Ever hear about how when you try to heal yourself it's like you're an onion and you think you get one thing settled, then another layer comes off and you have to deal with the same issue again, but deeper and deeper into your core? Ever in the the 1st Shrek he talked about it at the end. So now another layer of the onion must be peeled for me.
"The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity." -George Bernard Shaw
If only you knew how deep this once fits my life. . . I can tell you from first hand experience it is the truth and nothing but the truth. I lived it first hand. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference - the not caring - the coldness of someone - the not talking - the hardness of heart - the not staying connected to someone.
As a child growing up when my dad was angry at me, he'd make me sit in his office at home, on a uncomfortable chair that was next to the door, and he would yell, curse, and say the meanest things to me for at least an hour. I used to believe if he was a lawyer and was trying you for murder and you didn't do it, after he was done with you, you'd confess to it.
That alone was enough to make you grow up rather ashamed, but there was more . . .
After that, he would be indifferent to me. Not just for the rest of the day or the week, but for weeks, months - usually about 2 months - then he would start talking to me. When I was younger I would beg him to talk to me. Cry even, but he never said a word. I used to think if I was bleeding to death right there in front of him, when he was in his indifferent mood and acted like I didn't exist, that he just let me die right there. He was that tough. No one messed with my dad.
I can't begin to tell you how that felt. Yes I can, it felt inhumane. It tore my soul, my essence of who I was to shreds. You felt like a small sunken whithered up old frozen pea. People would say she only six but she acts like she's going on sixty. I was playing my own game of survival. I had to outwit, outthink, and outlast my dad or there was a big price to pay.
Did I do anything really that terrible? Maybe once or twice in my whole life, but it was usually something like this:
Once he had caught a cold and I said it was because he had gone out in the cold without a shirt on to cut the grass (why I even said that I don't know), but I said it when my brother and wife were in the room. This was the thing. Everything was fine until they left. Then, after they left, the games began. He'd call me into his office and then the lecture/scolding would begin. He said I had made fun of him in front of my brother and his wife. (I didn't make fun of him, I wouldn't dare, I knew far too well the price I'd have to pay.) I was probably 17 almost 18 then. He grounded me from my car and then yes, the next eight weeks didn't talk to me.
However when I was 17 I was thrilled he didn't talk to me! It was peace and freedom.
Verbal abuse, I think at times is almost harder than the physical abuse. You can't wrap yourself around words where you might remember a beating or two. I know that for a fact too.
Funny though, I loved my dad. And on a much more positive note I will say this - it seems like another life ago. It seems like a long, long time ago and doesn't seem to come into my mind on a daily basis or that it even comes into my mind very much any more at all. In fact when I write I wonder if what I'm saying is was as bad as I write.
My dad and I did come to make up as best we could before he died. Especially the last two years of his life. He was in California by then, but we talked almost everyday. One year before he died he told me that he loved me for the first time or at least it was the first time I ever believed him. So did all turn out well? As well as it could. I guess it's all in the eyes of the beholder. I love my dad to this day and I mean no direspect by writing this.
All those years of pain and suffering. All the work I did to retrain and fix my brain, therapy, if you will, and I've grown up into such a strong woman. I am woman hear me roar! :)
I'm going to be happy and strong and positive until the day I die. I will have failure, but I will get up again.
I guess I share this with you to tell you that if you think things will never get better for you in your life- hang on - they will. Things/life can get better when you think it is impossible! I still know the past is a part of me - it always will be - but now the good part is so much better than the pained part. Oh yeah, by the way - it doesn't come easily without work - hard work - but it does come. And it's good.
My lineage - I started out innocent - learned pain/suffering - got angry - blamed others - decided to get help - worked my tail off - and slowly am ending with happiness and joy. I did a 180. And it was hard. . . I look here and what I have described is the five stages of grief! That's weird to me.
If you ask me if it was worth it I'd say yes of course. I could have ended up a bitter old person. I must admit I have wondered why I had to go through something like that at all. Others seem to have such normal childhoods. I spent my young years surviving. I spent a lot of my young adult life trying to over come mine when I think at times I wish I could have spent it on something else. I think that is why I miss my brother and wonder why he died so young. We both were survivors of a horrendous childhood. A victim's bond/ There is no one left that understands.
But we can't go back - just forward. In fact, the struggles I went through in the past I know made me the strong woman I am today. I am tough, but I'm ready to live, laugh, and explore life in the now. I want to waste no more time.
Do I have any scars from the past? Sure. Does the past affect me? Yes, but so little in comparison to what it was.
I guess the side effects of my childhood is that I'm a person who wants someone to tell them exactly what they feel no holes barred - right then and there. Don't avoid me. Confront me if you need too - but don't be indifferent. Don't carry silent grudges. Don't turn away in anger and leave. Don't avoid me. I want the truth at any cost. I'd rather you hate me then feel or act indifferent.
My past, I guess because of the years of therapy, has made me a very honest and open person. Analyzing this layer of onion peel now - I see that a part of your past always comes through a little bit. It can still make me uncomfortable at times. And to be honest sometimes I feel unsafe in some of the relationships that I have with people. I need a little reassuring I suppose.
I guess you'd say this is the protagonists Achilles tendon. But the protagonist will win!!!!!!!! He learns what his Achilles tendon is, learns how to handle it, and then overcomes it!!
I feel lighter already. :) You can choose to be happy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, just as I was writing this to get ready for tomorrow I received this from Daily Celebrations (I copied it directly from them - look them up on the web):
"Good history is a question of survival. Without any past, we will deprive ourselves of the defining impression of our being." ~ Ken Burns.
Documentary filmmaker Kenneth Lauren Burns (1953-) was born on this day in Brooklyn, New York. With a love for history and an 8mm movie camera, he shot his first film in his teens.
"We remember our past in different ways," he once said. "History is the synthesis of countless stories. There is no greater resource than to tap into the memories of those who were there.
"In celebrating America's past, Burns's acclaimed epics have featured the Brooklyn Bridge (1981, Oscar-nominated), Statue of Liberty (1985), Civil War (1990), Baseball (1994), Lewis and Clark (1997), and Jazz (2001).Inspired by the rugged individualism of characters captured by director John Ford, Burns said, "In every film I've been involved in, I've been pursuing one simple question: Who are we?"
In pursuing the question of American identity, Burns has worn many hats-- as director, producer, co-writer, chief cinematographer, music director and executive producer. His well-crafted vision combined archived photographs, newsreel footage, and film, with modern cinematography, narration, and interviews.
"Do not lose your enthusiasm," Burns said. "In its Greek etymology, the word enthusiasm means, 'God in us.'"
Burns has fearlessly tackled controversy with powerful and heartfelt stories. He has spent years thoroughly planning and researching a project. Calling himself an "emotional archaeologist," he has almost single-handedly revitalized a passion for history in America.
Burns said "perseverance is the single greatest element" in his success. "At the end, you have something that is durable and that you hope will speak to many people."
~~History is a cyclic poem.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was a knock your socks off moment for me. Don't know if you have a clue as to what I am talking about, but God always hears my heart and speaks to it in so many different ways. This is exactly what I was talking about and I just received this when I was writing my heart out.
You see the history of a life goes through many cycles. We are always moving up and down in life's cycles. Our lives are cyclic poems.
You are not going to believe this either, I wrote a book called, "Full Circle ". Could it be named anything else?
Wow God this has been awesome. Thank you.
Chatty
No comments:
Post a Comment