For 2018

"Life is lived forward, but understood backward. It is not until we are down the road and we stand on the mountain looking back through the valley that we can appreciate the terrain God has allowed us to scale.” Jill Savage

Thursday, August 30, 2007

The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when someone asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer. ~ Henry David Thoreau

I am extremely attached to that quote. I guess when being honest with myself I like it because it sums up what I did not get as a child.

When you are not listened to as a child - when you're feelings aren't validated - you feel unimportant. I think you grow up feeling that way about yourself. After my teen years I felt unloved and un-valued. I hate to admit this, but I guess I spent a lot of time looking for validation. Probably even went crazy for awhile!

So I chose to do a lot of 'work' on that particular issue . So that brings me to today and while most of the time I have my life together, there is still a little part of me wishing for more validation - that part of me is tamed, but never goes away 100%.

I not sure what kind of validation I'm looking for now. I'm able to validate myself now, I stand up for myself, and I make myself heard. I have wonderful friends. I have my family. Non-the-less at times the validation issue roars its head.
I believe that there is always going to be this little tiny empty place in my heart and mind that I'm just going to have to live with.
Can it be filled? Should it be filled? Is it there to remind me of something to strive for? Is it a reminder to me of how far I've come?
I mourned over this lost for some time. I feel I've dealt with it and I've come to accept it as part of who I am. I try not to label it with a good or bad feeling attached to it. I admit its here in me, but every once in awhile I slip and I do feel a little sad for myself. Then I make myself jump back up and say to myself, yes part of it's still there, but that's okay. It doesn't make me good or bad, it makes me human and that's good! I dust myself off and get back in the saddle of living again.

I think it goes along this concept. As and ex-teacher of sorts I know for a fact that there is a certain time in a child's life to learn certain things. There is a 1st.,2nd., etc curriculum - certain things are taught at certain peak times. For example if you teach geometry in 1st. grade - it would be a waste of time. They're not ready, they need to know the basics like addition first. However, if you don't teach addition in first grade and what until senior year of high school you'd never be able to do the geometry.

You'd have to get help from someone. You'd have to go back to the beginning, then spend several years trying to make up for lost time. Then maybe you would learn how to do geometry and even go on past geometry to calculus, but it would be hard and while you'd try not to think of not learning addition when you're supposed too, sometimes that memory creeps in and for a minute you may feel sad, but then you know you have to go on. That everything is well, different for you, it's still okay.

I think that is the same for internal learning as well. Self esteem, self love, being positive, learning to take care of yourself, and so on. These are things children are supposed to learn. Just like they learn about God is loving. I was control by being told about how mad God would be at me if I didn't do what they asked. Had to relearn that God was love too.

Now I'm not asking for anything here, I'm just trying to help others if they feel the same way I did. This was easy to write, but if I can help someone, then that's great.

I want you to know there is hope out there to change for the better.

You ever hear about horse whisperers and how they help the animals stay calm and focused? I'm a Chatty whisperer now. I just keep on telling myself positive things daily. I have a grateful journal that I have kept daily for years. I pray. I meditate. I talk to friends. I keep busy. I'm trying to learn more at all times. It works. AM I the person I would have been had things been different? NO. But, maybe I'm better than I would have been, how do I know? This I know, I differently have inner strength, unequaled to almost anyone else I know.

I'm feeling much better after letting that out!

It is my sincer hope that I can help someone else with all this honesty.

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