For 2018

"Life is lived forward, but understood backward. It is not until we are down the road and we stand on the mountain looking back through the valley that we can appreciate the terrain God has allowed us to scale.” Jill Savage

Thursday, September 20, 2007

A broken heart is what makes life so wonderful--five years later. -Phyllis Battelle

Now only someone that has gone through this can truly understand what I am commenting on.

I have had so many, many, did I say many times in my life where this turned out to be the truth, from little on. I could probably write a book about it, oh I did that! Anyway the topic again is similar to if it doesn't kill you, it'll probably make you stronger.

I was thinking today about young mothers. Especially ones that were not ready to be mothers because they had growth to do themselves before taking on such awesome responsibilities. Me for one. I had no business whatsoever getting married and having children at the young age of 22. I didn't know one thing about myself and nothing about children. I am so much smarter now, if only I knew more back then, I would have been such a better mother.

I did what I thought I should be doing at age 22, in the early 70's. I probably should have been a hippy and I might have been had I been more of a woman of courage back then.

I do think a huge part of getting married for me was wanting to get out of my parents house. They refused to let me live at the college dorms, I had to drive everyday. When I decided to get an apartment with my friend (still a good friend today) my dad disowned me - so I caved in. Marriage seemed like the best option.

It was a God thing that I married as well as I did - at that time. Then we had the two kids, the house, the car, etc. Now remember, I had NEVER had a life of my own - not even one day where I had felt safe or in control of my own life. My parents had owned me. (I ended up taking care of them for 50 years - and we made our peace). Then I got married, another person to take care of and be responsible too. Then I had the house, the car, and the two kids to take care of. My husband worked and I did everything else. I was drowning. I kept telling people and tried to get help.

I was angry. I felt smothered. I felt caught in a spider web. I started to drown in my own life. My dad left my mom after 34 years of marriage. I had the responsibility there. He married a very nice woman, but it was another responsibility. My husband went back to school and I had the kids almost 24 -7. My brother had some serious problems and of course I had to help him.

I was the person everyone would call because no one was talking to the other one. My phone rang constantly with problems. Then when they didn't like the answer - who do you think they got mad at? ME! I still get a twang of panic sometimes when the phone rings.

I was angry, frustrated, overwhelmed - that's when I started getting help. There was really no choice. That help has spanned over thirty years. I still check in with my mentor once in awhile for little check ups. I also was invited by my dear friend (a great friend today) to a neighborhood Bible study which changed my life forever. I still don't know if she knows what all she's done for me - a shining example to follow.

I had to get help because it was going to end up where I would hurt my kids or myself. I knew I wasn't going to hurt the kids like I had been hurt, so that meant I was going to have to hurt myself. I was well enough not to do that. So getting help was the only answer left.

I chose to get help. I wish I could have been the together person I am today when I raised my kids. I think things would have ended up a lot different . . maybe. But I didn't know what I know now and I can't go back, so I just go on and make the best of it. I can do that now. It's not that I never feel sad about things, I do, but I can live with it without letting it take over my whole life. And to let myself off the hook, I realize that I did do the very best I could at the time. I was just trying to survive life the best way possible.

This story seems like a hundred years ago and I wonder if any young person can relate to this. Most young people seem stronger now. They don't take abuse or abuse is so out there now that there is help earlier. Some of the things that happened to me back then would be constituted as abuse now and I might have been taken away. Actually, now, I'm glad things worked out the way they did. Well, not glad, that isn't the right word, I'm at peace with the way things turned out.

I've done my best.

A broken heart makes things wonderful - 30 years later!

Being open and taking a risk is scary for me. I just want people, probably woman, to know there is hope in life. Get help, surround yourself with friends, and God.


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