For 2018

"Life is lived forward, but understood backward. It is not until we are down the road and we stand on the mountain looking back through the valley that we can appreciate the terrain God has allowed us to scale.” Jill Savage

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Chatty Being Serious

I love comments and feedback, so thank you - it feels good to connect to people. I want and feel like I can give you some insight into Chatty that may help explain my Blog.

Right or privilege - either word works for me. Something you should know about me and my Blog is that it's not so much the exact word I'm going after - it's the thought the words or story are trying to convey. I'm trying to help empower others every day as I'm helping myself grow and get empowered too. You don't wake up one day and become empowered and healthy. It's a process and one that needs to be continued on a daily basis - of course with God's help.

We cannot guide the winds, but we can re-adjust our sails. I'm trying to adjust my sail.

I guess that a lot of people grew up with knowing how to be healthy - to feel good about themselves. If it isn't an issue for you, then this Blog might be hard for you to understand. Some people, like myself, have grown up not knowing how to empower ourselves and or how to feel positive or good about oneself. When you don't learn something at the exact time you're supposed to learn it - you must learn it yourself, when and if you discover something is lacking and that you need it. It's a lot harder then! For example - you are primed to learn how to read when you are a child. Can you learn to read as an adult - see my point? Yes, but it's harder and it never comes as easy as it would have if you had learned it as a child. It's never as smooth or polished.

Personally, I grew up not having any power in any situation I was in. I made no decisions except for ones I thought would please others. I spent decades trying to please others (and I may note here - that I never totally pleased the other people, I've since found out you can't please other people, and that it's okay not to please other people). Do you best, forget the rest.
On top of that I had to figure out and study (analyze) what they wanted me to do to please them because they were passive aggressive. That's why today I make it my life to speak my mind (in a gentle way). I adore people who are honest, open, truthful, and forthright, yes even if it hurts me, because then it becomes a choice that I can make of what to do. I highly dislike being manipulated. I highly dislike being disregarded. I highly dislike being lied to. I don't stay mad and angry like I once did, but I'll never learn to like manipulation, lies, and being ignored - because I don't want to like those things. I just deal with it in other ways now.

I acknowledge that physical abuse carries physical and mental pain - it's probably the worst kind of abuse there is, but verbal abuse is no peace of cake either. One can't remember the certain instances in particular - it's something that happens continuously, rather than incident by incident (which I think is easier to remember more specifically - I have a few memories of physical abuse and I remember them). One grows up having low self-esteem. Life feels heavy. Low self esteem then follows you into every area of your life. I think it's a power trip to make someone small - it must make them feel bigger.

Seven plus good things came out of my past - (1)No one can ever make me do something I don't want to do. (2)I never abused my own kids in any way, shape or form. (3)I made a choice to heal my soul and that made me a stronger woman and mother. (4)I've found incredible friends along my journey that I might not have ever met, had my life been different. (5)Lastly my dad and I made up and I learned how to truly forgive him - believe it or not. God rest his soul. Even with some instances of physical and mental abuse - the verbal hurt more, at least for me. At times my dad wouldn't talk to me for weeks at a time - he total rejected my brother and me. (6)I think that's why now, I look for people in my life who respond and want response. I'm sensitive and emotional. Not too much, but maybe a titch more than the average bear. I used to think that was bad, now I don't. (7) I learned how to love myself and others. You see, I didn't do too bad,

Don't know why I am telling you all this today and being so open and venerable - maybe it's just time for me to speak the truth. Let you into what makes Chatty tick. (Good luck on that one!) Maybe I feel safe to share it now when I didn't before. It is what it is. I love the song "Say What You Have to Say" - maybe I'm doing that and releasing it from me yet again.

Back to business - your first order of business as a child is to survive. In order to do that you have to figure out first of all what these people are 'really' saying or not saying - because they will not be direct with you. Next you try to be the way you think they want you to be (you try to be perfect) and hope that helps and they will then love you. Yet no matter how perfect you are - it's 'never' good enough. You grow up with this deep desire to be loved and listened to and valued for just being who you are.

My dear brother fared worse than I did, even though he was older - I always tried to protect him. He died at 51 - 11 years ago. He checked out. He was tired. He was not as lucky as me. I learned a lot from him - his final gift to me. I think it helped turn my dad around too. I have a half brother and sister many miles away, but they had the same thing, a different mother's personality, but they too are survivors. We have bonds that others will never totally understand.
Okay, I'm in my mid-fifties and all this isn't too relevant to me anymore. I don't think about it on a day to day basis and when I do think about it - sometimes it seems hard to believe it was even real. However in all honesty, the feelings never go totally away. You might have someone say something to you in the tone that used to hurt you - say the words that used to hurt you - act the same way they acted towards you - you may even find yourself reacting to it because for a split second it makes you feel bad and belittled again - but this time (after much therapy and hard work) you react totally different to it. It's not the little you anymore, it's the adult you - and the adult can take life on sucessfully. However, in some small way the affects of that past abuse has become a part of what makes you you - and you have a choice - are going to let it embitter you or better you? Being able to react and think differently is my grace.

When I was 49 I made up with my dad - I had long made peace with my mom. Both parents, divorced and bi-coastal, died within an hour of each other the very same day. I was in with my mother in hospice - she had just died and my husband called with the word my dad had died. I'm the single one remaining from the original 4. It was extremely tough and I may not have gotten rid of all the grief even yet. I've had other problems in my life, so I'm no stranger to struggle. It'll kill you if you let it. You must decide to fight. Then for better or worse - you become incredibly strong - even different or irregular I might add.

So therefore I decided to make my Blog about growth and about middle age. With positive songs and words. At the same time letting you know that I too have bad days, but always letting you know there are more good ones than bad ones. There is always hope. After every night there is daylight. We are always going into something or out of something - depending where you are on the circle of life. Being able to accept change is a healthy thing. And if your on top now, you can expect to move down in a little while and if you're down, you can expect to be moving up very soon. (Chatty's personal philosophy - Full Circle).

Am I perfect? Oh my gosh no way! I don't even try to be perfect anymore. I've just forgiven myself and I've been forgiven. I just plain ole 'try' (chose) every day to be happy. Do I still have problems - of course. Do I still get hurt - sure do - lots! The difference is I still get out there and live my life - pain and all. I want as full and happy life as I can have.

And what is that saying? At the end of my life, I want to be able to say, "Wow what a ride"! I thank God and my friends every day. It's been a wonderful life (my favorite show by the way). And if I can do it, anyone can - with a little help from some friends. Accept and love yourself.

A Serious Friend Today,
PS Had a cup of Starbucks today and on the cups they have a little saying on them.

The Way I See It #287

There is a special place . . . for women who don’t help other women.
Madeleine K. Albright (Ambassador to the U.N.)

1 comment:

Pam 'oh Da Woods said...

WOW!!! That was powerful...and it hit home!!!
I to am a survivor in many ways....but laughter CAN heal the soul!!
Glad I found your blog!!
Pam 'Oh Da Woods