For 2018

"Life is lived forward, but understood backward. It is not until we are down the road and we stand on the mountain looking back through the valley that we can appreciate the terrain God has allowed us to scale.” Jill Savage

Thursday, July 10, 2008

"Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment."
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ever feel that there are many different parts of yourself? I don't mean split personalities or hearing voices - I'm talking about the many 'different persons' whom make up the person we call our self.

Describing myself as I know some people see me would be honest, dependable, responsible, and care-taking. Strong and never giving up. Analytical. Sensitive. Some people see the fun loving part of me, the side that wants to experience more, to try new things, and conquer new worlds. Others see me as a winner over being abused and wounded. Supportive. Some people have seen me scared, sad, and depressed, Some see me as intelligent and a writer, others might think I'm not an intellectual! Some people think I'm nice, some people don't. Will the real Chatty please stand up!

Well, if you took a cement truck, turned it on, put all these different personalities in it, and then mixed them all up, poured it out - you'd have me. To tell the truth I don't even know who I am yet, entirely. I change and I know it.

I do know there is one part of me that made a choice a long time ago to face issues and to battle my demons to become better, stronger, a survivor if you will. I don't know why I have that quality or where it came from exactly, it probably came from my parents (both strong people) as well as the bad wounds I had fight to become strong! A double edged sword.

I also feel like I'm this new person who's ready to be born again and really live for the very first time. My problem is that I don't know how to do that exactly. My engines are all revved up, ready to go. I'm enthusiastic. But where am I going? And how do I get there?

Part of me loves right where I'm at - doing exactly what I am doing - with the people I want to be with.The other part of me dislikes what I'm doing - doesn't like where I'm at - and I'm not with people who I want to be with.

The other frustration is that even if I knew what I wanted to do exactly, I have so many people restraints on me. I think restraints are one of my biggest issues left to overcome. Boundaries. Learning to say yes to Chatty and no to others.

So how do I incorporate the different sides of me into who I am today - one final person? I have a life I've made with blood, sweat, and tears mind you, yet I'm no longer the person I once was, the one whom I started my journey with. That person is a stranger to me, yet she is the core of me. Does that make sense? I'm so different than I was 30 - 20 - 10 - 5 - even a year ago. I've changed, I'm constantly changing. I'm not going to be the person in one year, that I am right this second.

"It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are."– E. E. Cummings

At times I don't feel my life has kept up with me and I get frustrated. I wonder if anyone else even understands what I'm saying or ever feels that way?

Maybe it's my shadow side of me that is coming out these days. I believe you have to get acquainted with your shadow side and take care of it a little bit so that you don't feel so frustrated all the time. Now some people think the shadow is evil or dark. It's not. It just wants to be seen, hear, and accepted as part of the self.

Life is about growing.

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm." – Sir Winston Churchill



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