For 2018

"Life is lived forward, but understood backward. It is not until we are down the road and we stand on the mountain looking back through the valley that we can appreciate the terrain God has allowed us to scale.” Jill Savage

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Chatty's Lamentations

I'm going to let go and breathe today. The month of December has always been a brutal month with all it's busyness. Add my surgery and a wedding in five months to the mix and you could say I've stressed to the max and then some. I've had no time to de-stress - well, I should have made some time for de-stressing

My daughter is stressed, my husband is stressed, my grandson is stressed. My poor grandson cried 3 hours the day I had surgery - he thought I was going to die. My daughter said you couldn't convince him otherwise that first night. He's finally getting settled and more secure now. I feel really bad about putting him though all that. He was actually a little mad at me at first. Plus his having too move has been rough on him as well. Needless to say we're all stressed.
Plus some one has been here with me 24/7 for the past month (if not two or three people). Now don't get me wrong - I love to be with people, but I need some time to be be alone and think or I start to feel like I'm caught in a spider web and that I can't get out. Does anyone else ever feel that way? Thank goodness everyone is back to their respective places today and I have a little time alone to find myself again - I was feeling kind of lost - weird that I can find myself better when I am alone then when I am with a multitude of people.

When I'm around other people i.e. my family I tend to be the peace maker and the care taker. I hate arguing, criticism, power struggles, and negative attitudes. I had all those negative things around me while I was growing up and I spent many years trying not to be that way myself. I just don't like to be around it anymore - I find it toxic. I want (Lol) peace and harmony around me. I want people to laugh and have fun and at least try to be happy. Is this Utopia in my mind only?

Okay - I'm at a crossroads in my own life this January 2009. I've been in the care taker role now for five and one half decades! And I don't mean just a 'normal' care taker I mean THE CARE TAKER. Now the last few years I've gotten in touch with the fact that I don't particularly like being the care taker and sometimes I don't like to be the peace maker either. At times I feel mad at others - yet I know down deep - that I'm really the one to blame - sort of. It was demanded of me as a child to be the care taker of my 'nuclear family'. When I got married and had children - while still taking care of my nuclear family - I added taking care of my own family. I was a perfectionist at taking care of people at that point.

If only I had the 20/20 hindsight vision to see what I was creating - I wouldn't have gone so overboard in the care taking business. I might not have 'raised' a family who expected to be taken care of and made one where we took care of each other more.

I 'know' the answers for how to change things, but it's not that easy! Trying to change my care taking and peace efforts feels an like overwhelming task task for me at times. I'm kind of counting the days until my daughter gets married. It will be an opportunity for the growth, we both need. I'm finally going to be able to spend some time with myself - maybe I can even find out what I want to do or what I want to be when I grow up!

This may seem so trivial to you - but I can't begin to explain the growth work and the changes for me that lie ahead this year for me.

What I have gone though the past 55 years (seems to me) has been as hard as the pioneers going out west to settle California . . . . I have so struggled so incredibly hard to become the person I am today. Not perfect by any means, but better than I was.

"I gave my life to become the person I am right now. Was it worth it?" Richard Bach

I realize that I am holding the water glass too long without putting it down for a break. So today I am putting the glass down.

Chatty thinking and being extremely honest. . .


Corgidogmama~ said...

That was probably extremely hard to write, yet, at the same time, was cleansing and freeing.
I admire you so much.
Your childhood obviously had a lot to do with who you are today.
They articles, to start saying "no" and not be available. (Hard to do with family, loved ones.) has to begin somewhere.
Everything starts with baby steps.
This process will be healthful for you, but an emotional ride too.
You DO need to begin. You're wise to recognize it. God bless your efforts. It's going to be a bumpy ride for all!

Chatty Crone said...

You are absolutely correct in what you say - but it's so hard when there's a child involved - you know what I mean? Thanks so much for your wonderful words of support. You're right about it being a bumpy ride, but it has to be done. I'm going to fasten my seat belt and "Ride".