For 2018

"Life is lived forward, but understood backward. It is not until we are down the road and we stand on the mountain looking back through the valley that we can appreciate the terrain God has allowed us to scale.” Jill Savage

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Who is Vickie Lynn Marshall? Fun Saturday

Inner Peace: This is so true- do read to the end!

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

You're probably the family dog!

Remember to start dressing warmer for winter - a lady is never without her proper attire.

I was walking past the Mental Hospital
the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks...
So I looked through to see what was going on......

Some fool poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14.'


If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband gave me a week of personal training at the local health club.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other stuff too.
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny woman to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
I hate that Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today... Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Vickie Lynn Marshall better known under the stage name of Anna Nicole Smith, was an American model, sex symbol, actress and television personality.

Answer in blog (lol).


Deb said...

very funny! thanks for the uplifting post today!

Angela said...

Hey Chatty!

Love the new Christmas look of your blog! Those little penguins are too cute!

I thought I knew that name from somewhere but had forgotten. It seems as though the tv world has forgotten all about her too. Wonder if it will be the same for Michael Jackson? Sure hope so! lol The lives that those people led makes me not want to succeed in getting filthy rich.

The workout diary was so funny that I did laugh out loud!

Hope you have a Great Weekend!

That corgi :) said...

that was too cute with the gym story! liked the 13-13-13 and then 14-14-14 one too! I didn't know who Vickie Lynn Marshall was; maybe she should have stayed Vickie Lynn; perhaps she might still be alive today; such a sad story she was

and of course loved the first one about inner peace and the family dog :)

hope you are having a nice day; its raining here today :)


A Lil Enchanted said...

Very funny... thanks for a good laugh :)

A Lil Enchanted,

Buttercup said...

Thank you for some laughs! The pooch in boots is too cute. I will be sure to come back and visit her often. Wish I looked that good on snowy days.

English Cottage in Georgia said...

Oh my goodness, I loved the gym story. I can not wait to show it to my Mom during her visit. Thanks for the laughs:-)