Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Wedneday - Hump Day - Chatty Being Personal . . .about retirement blues . . ..
"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you until it seems that you cannot hold on for a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." ~ Harriet Beecher Stowe
Alright - have you guys ever been in this place? I'm going to be up front and personal today.
You are going on in life - everything is good - you feel right with God - and you're growing and learning as a person. Yours pretty happy, confident, etc.
Then life throws you something - my knee surgery 3 months ago - and my husband retiring at the exact same time.
My knee surgery - if you knew me you'd know I don't like asking people for help in any way, shape, or form. Well I used to be horrible, now I do ask when I need too - but I really don't like to do it. With surgery of this sort you have to depend on others.
My husband being newly retired - well it went great. He was here and he took over everything for me!
He was to 'help' me with cooking, grocery shopping and making the list. He made me breakfast and lunch. He did laundry, he took and picked up the grandson to and from school. Took the dog out and walked him. Gathered the garbage and took it out front. Started to get the mail every day. He did the dishes and put them away. He answered the phone, talked to people for me. He did all my other errands - shopped for items needed. Took the GS to karate and his other activities with my daughter like I used to do. Helped with his homework. He started putting the GS to bed (which happens to be my favorite part of the day). Oh yeah - he went to every single physical therapy with me for six weeks - three times a week! He took over driving everywhere. And believe me - I appreciated it so very much and I told him so.
At first it was great. I needed the help and I needed the rest. Moving from one side of the room to the other was huge. I only went up the stairs once a day to go to bed.
Of course I started getting better and better. I spent a lot of time going to PT and then exercising at home. I putting around and did little things. I started to blog and read blogs again and I kept pretty busy for awhile. He slowly let me do some things around the house - that he didn't really like - lol - like cleaning up after dinner - the dishes - vacuuming - etc.
Fast forward to three months later and now I'm back. I'm ready to go back to work. My job has all changed and it's not there like I was used too! I've had surgery before and I've always gone back to work.
Now though my hubby is home now - I feel that every bit of independence I had - is gone. I'm never in the house alone. He still wants to 'tell' me what to I can and can't do - which is driving me nuts! I want my old job back - and some time a lone! I 've worked at my job for almost 37 years! I know what I'm doing - or I think I did. He obviously doesn't think so - he's changed my kitchen - he's changed this and he's changed that.
He doesn't go out much. He's watching the budget which is the most frustrating thing of all. I know we're retired and I know we're on a budget - but when he tells me I can't or we can't do or buy something - it makes me want to do it or buy it all the more! I am a rebellious hippy remember? I don't worry like he does. He even knows what I should be eating or not eating!
Calgone take me away! Now I love him - but too much togetherness is not good!
I feel like I am in limbo. I can't go back to my old job - if it was just the knee I could and I probably would be moving forward on my life's journey - but I can't because I still have my 'retired' all knowing (lol) mate.
I'm in standing still. I'm not moving forward. I'm reeling - and wondering - what now? Where am I going? Am I going to start moving somewhere or will I have to continue staying still (which I don't like at all). I feel like I have sand in my gears. I feel weak and I don't like that feeling at all - I like or prefer to feel strong.
I decided to practice what I belief - and I know that what I am doing and feeling is a choice I am making and so it my attitude. I've decided to changed my attitude.
I've been talking to God and myself and I've decided not to be frustrated - right now - for standing still and not moving forward.
I'm decided to gain something from my standing still. I'm going to try to see what I can learn from this hiatus. There HAS to be a reason for my standing still. If that is true then there is something to learn.
I know that I'm slowly going to get my jobs back - and I'll go forward again - I just don't have the time line yet - I am going to be still and let God teach me what I need to know.
And believe it or not this is tough for Chatty.
Does anyone even understand this - then congrats. Has anyone ever felt weak and standing still - yet wanting to go forward and not sure how to get there?
If so - share with me - did you finally move forward?
“In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins- not through strength but by perseverance.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr. writer