"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you until it seems that you cannot hold on for a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." ~ Harriet Beecher Stowe
Alright - have you guys ever been in this place? I'm going to be up front and personal today.
You are going on in life - everything is good - you feel right with God - and you're growing and learning as a person. Yours pretty happy, confident, etc.
Then life throws you something - my knee surgery 3 months ago - and my husband retiring at the exact same time.
My knee surgery - if you knew me you'd know I don't like asking people for help in any way, shape, or form. Well I used to be horrible, now I do ask when I need too - but I really don't like to do it. With surgery of this sort you have to depend on others.
My husband being newly retired - well it went great. He was here and he took over everything for me!
He was to 'help' me with cooking, grocery shopping and making the list. He made me breakfast and lunch. He did laundry, he took and picked up the grandson to and from school. Took the dog out and walked him. Gathered the garbage and took it out front. Started to get the mail every day. He did the dishes and put them away. He answered the phone, talked to people for me. He did all my other errands - shopped for items needed. Took the GS to karate and his other activities with my daughter like I used to do. Helped with his homework. He started putting the GS to bed (which happens to be my favorite part of the day). Oh yeah - he went to every single physical therapy with me for six weeks - three times a week! He took over driving everywhere. And believe me - I appreciated it so very much and I told him so.
At first it was great. I needed the help and I needed the rest. Moving from one side of the room to the other was huge. I only went up the stairs once a day to go to bed.
Of course I started getting better and better. I spent a lot of time going to PT and then exercising at home. I putting around and did little things. I started to blog and read blogs again and I kept pretty busy for awhile. He slowly let me do some things around the house - that he didn't really like - lol - like cleaning up after dinner - the dishes - vacuuming - etc.
Fast forward to three months later and now I'm back. I'm ready to go back to work. My job has all changed and it's not there like I was used too! I've had surgery before and I've always gone back to work.
Now though my hubby is home now - I feel that every bit of independence I had - is gone. I'm never in the house alone. He still wants to 'tell' me what to I can and can't do - which is driving me nuts! I want my old job back - and some time a lone! I 've worked at my job for almost 37 years! I know what I'm doing - or I think I did. He obviously doesn't think so - he's changed my kitchen - he's changed this and he's changed that.
He doesn't go out much. He's watching the budget which is the most frustrating thing of all. I know we're retired and I know we're on a budget - but when he tells me I can't or we can't do or buy something - it makes me want to do it or buy it all the more! I am a rebellious hippy remember? I don't worry like he does. He even knows what I should be eating or not eating!
Calgone take me away! Now I love him - but too much togetherness is not good!
I feel like I am in limbo. I can't go back to my old job - if it was just the knee I could and I probably would be moving forward on my life's journey - but I can't because I still have my 'retired' all knowing (lol) mate.
I'm in standing still. I'm not moving forward. I'm reeling - and wondering - what now? Where am I going? Am I going to start moving somewhere or will I have to continue staying still (which I don't like at all). I feel like I have sand in my gears. I feel weak and I don't like that feeling at all - I like or prefer to feel strong.
I decided to practice what I belief - and I know that what I am doing and feeling is a choice I am making and so it my attitude. I've decided to changed my attitude.
I've been talking to God and myself and I've decided not to be frustrated - right now - for standing still and not moving forward.
I'm decided to gain something from my standing still. I'm going to try to see what I can learn from this hiatus. There HAS to be a reason for my standing still. If that is true then there is something to learn.
I know that I'm slowly going to get my jobs back - and I'll go forward again - I just don't have the time line yet - I am going to be still and let God teach me what I need to know.
And believe it or not this is tough for Chatty.
Does anyone even understand this - then congrats. Has anyone ever felt weak and standing still - yet wanting to go forward and not sure how to get there?
If so - share with me - did you finally move forward?
Love,
Chatty
“In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins- not through strength but by perseverance.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr. writer
30 comments:
oh my gosh, Sandie, you KNOW I understand. hugs to you. It is HARD when you did something "right" for so many years and was "great" at it to change it all midstream so to speak. I truly understand. Take baby steps for getting it back. You know what you need; you might even need to tell hubby what you absolutely need (like no nagging about money; you know the budget and you know what you can and cannot buy, he doesn't need to keep reminding you about things like that). It is an adjustment time, BELIEVE YOU ME! I truly do understand!! We will get through this by the grace of God!!!!!
will definitely pray for you in this endeavor Sandie
betty
What comes to my mind immediately is... your husband also had a job. Now he doesn't. He is doing these things because it keeps him feeling "needed". Most people say they're happy when they're retired... but what they don't tell you is that it is a huge adjustment.
Standing still and listening to what God has in store for you is a good idea. This is a time of adjustment for you too. You both need to find a new "normal" for everyday.
that does sound really hard and frustrating! Don't tell my hubby, but after a long weekend I'm so ready for him to go back to work, lol.
I hope you (or your hubby) can discover some new activity or job that will help give you purpose and meaning again. It's hard to feel like you're standing still and not where you want to be. Hugs.
Oh Sandie, I can most definitely relate to a lot of what you say. I can even relate to the husband part because though mine is gone a lot, when he is home he's home. He works from the house and is Mr. Clean behind me.
It can feel stifling.
And boy howdy can I relate to the budget part...
I can really relate to the standing still part too. I feel as if I have been marking time for years not knowing exactly where the next step is.
I can't give any advice, but I can stand with you and relate. Let's pray for each other!
Well, I must tell you, I'm not a huge fan of retirement. I have seen it do great damage to people...mostly because they dont' feel like they have a purpose anymore. I mean, we might think it's fun to play golf or just have our days to ourselves all the time, but in reality, that's not very fulfilling...nor very productive.
So, I think you need to encourage your husband to develop a hobby or even to volunteer somewhere. That's what has helped my father-in-law. He works in the computer lab at the parochial school in his town. They love him there, it gives him something productive and important to do...and it gets him out of my mother-in-law's hair.
Another thought, my friend...I understand what you mean about feeling like you are out of a job. Now that I've homeschooled my kids through high school and now that my daughter does ALL the meal-related duties in our house, I feel like all I have is cleaning the house and doing the laundry...NOT fulfilling to me. I, too, am adjusting to this new season of life.
Love,
Patti
Well, Kiddo reading that I was so happy that he jumped in and did things & got things done when you needed the help. Do you think that now that he's retired, he wants to do additional things to get his mind busy? You know how it is here...Joe does as little as possible & likes it that way which can be a good thing, because he stays out of my hair...:)JP.
My Dear Sandie...Continue to have faith in God...you will get through it...BUT...we have options in the mean time....
PLAN A-Send him here to my house...lots of "MAN" things to get done...when he is done here he will NOT desire "little jobs" I willeven hire some squirrels to invade my attic if it will keep him REALLY busy (giggles)
PLAN B You come here...make yourself at home...tend to anything you want..I will not mind (you do do windows right?)you can clean...bake...sort...fold and wash to your hearts content
PLAN C And please do not share this...lol...with anyone...OK...shhhhhhhh...
Pack your suitcase...meet me at the airport....
Do NOT forget Hubbys chargecard (if he is not shopping much he MAY not miss it)
We are taking the first planewe see to ANYWHERE...lol...as I need a vacation too!
HUGS dear friend...I know you will make it...this is just such an adjustment! And maybe you and I both are the reason it is the "older gals" that are becoming Walmart greeters! I'm running out to apply...and I'll give you a reference! SMILES and HUGS
B
OMG Sandie...PLEASE sto in for todays blog post...it is my Leprechan!
Boy did I understand your post!
But everything has a reason and in everything there is something to learn.
Love the Maxine cartoon!
pugs and kisses Sandie! everything's cool on my end - just stupid busy! jenn
Oh Chatty, I think all we woman of a certain age certainly know where you are coming from my friend. I think some voluntary work or some part-time work has got to be the answer. It's not natural to be together all the time. You need your space. After all, the home was the womans' domain for all those years, and it's pretty demanding to suddenly have someone there all the time. I have friends who just go to Tescos (large supermarket) and mooch around for a couple of hours, just to get out of the house. There's nothing worse, also, than to be kept being told that you are on a budget! Hopefully, he will ease off those sort of remarks before too long. Good luck my friend. We're all with you. Sound off any time you want to, and keep smiling!
Ha! Oh boy, can I identify, Sandie. My "forever love" is around pretty much most of the time. The "key" is to give him space. The "man cave" in the basement helps a LOT...he does his thing and I do mine....we both are very active and keep VERY busy.
Does your hubby have a man cave he can retreat to? If not, can he fix one up somewhere in the house? It works! Susan
oh Sandie, I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. But I think you are on the right track. You are aware that there is a purpose in all of this that you may see the reasons now or a few years from now. I don't like to fall off the wagon with my routine either and when I get sick, major chaos ensues in my home and work and I don't like that either. I wish you well with all that you are being dealt with right now but just remember, there is a purpose if even just to test your patience.
Hey Sandie!
I guess I'm at a different stage in the game. I would welcome someone to help me around the house! I cringe when I go upstairs and see what kind of disaster is it right now. Not to mention the rest of the house. I can't do it all but I am the only one who does it all.
Here's a good idea to get some of your alone time. Let him take Andy to his karate practices. Let him either take Andy to school or pick him up every day. Change it up a bit.
If I think of any other good ideas I'll give you a shout! lol It's time for me to go get my daughter from the bus stop. That's a chore that I will always have...
Hugs,
Angela
Well, I am having to do way too much standing still and letting others do for me now. And I hate it. But you have such a wonderful attitude, I think this is a time that God may want you to slow down for some reason. So you need to be patient and talk with him, see where you are needed and what is going on. Can you just go out for walks or for a drive, and tell your wonderful hubby that this is for you and you really need some space and time alone, you will be back shortly? One more thought here. Retirement really affects you in ways you never would have believed. Most men have a hard time mentally adjusting to the change, they are defined by their career and without it they are temporarily lost! Try and make this more about him than you, and I don't mean that in a mean way, Sandie. But the way he is acting, he may be just floundering for something to do. You can give him jobs to do that you want done even if you have to think of something, This is a hard transition for many men, they want to continue feeling very productive and just can't turn it off all at once.
Oh my sister, can we have a huge AMEN!?
Totally can relate. My husband retired in October after working over 50 years. He is so enjoying "doing nothing" and not having any deadlines. He too has suddenly become reluctant to spend any money...
I miss having my own alone time...playing my music, NO TV, and just "doing my own thing".
I realize we are in a "period of adjustment" and sounds like, you are too.
I think the reason we have to feel "like we are standing still" so we can brainstorm and come up with a "win win" situation for both parties.
I laughed my head off at your opening Maxine cartoon...LOL...still smiling.
In looking down the road...I may reconsider and get a part time job or do some volunteer work...
Hang in there...we woman have to stick together, brainstorm and support one another...
Keep the Faith, keep praying...an answer will reveal itself.
Actually I am in the midst of standing still and trying to be patient and learn from the situation. Sometimes I do better than other times -- today was about a C+. I don't blog about this -- not wanting to spread negativity -- but my job (and I know I'm fortunate to have it) is very difficult and I am looking forward so much to moving on, but for financial reasons, not yet. I feel stuck, but try to use the time as productively as I can and learn, grow and be open to what is waiting.
can't relate yet, but when you have it all figured out-do tell please so that retirement will go smoothly for those that follow behind you! glad you hubby took charge when he needed to, alot of men would not have or maybe done the minimum. have a great week.
I think your husband is having just as much difficulty adjusting as you are. he'll probably never admit it though. But he is taking over what was your domain (all with good intentions, but it's not working for you).
I'm happy that you are recovering from surgery, and I don't think any job is like it was anymore, no matter what you do.
Maybe you could think about what it is the really makes you happy when you do it and go for it. Just for yourself. Take a class, go on a little trip, meet new people, go to a lecture, visit a museum, play cards, see a play, go to a book club, volunteer, visit nursing homes, read to people that can't read anymore, offer to drive cancer patients to their appointments. etc. Encourage your husband to do the same. Do something for others and you will be blessed 10 times 10.
Retirement is to enjoy life, not begrudge getting up in the morning. Maybe the keeper of the keys to the budget would agree to each having a little fun money (within your means of course)that is yours to do with as you please. No questions, no having to ask for money.
Encourage your husband to explore his desires. Ask him what he's always wanted to do, but felt he never had time before.
I'm retired and I have enrolled in a writing class, gone back to painting and getting into photography. My partner has taken more time to golf and does pro bono counseling. We both have lunch or dinner with old friends. We've gone to botanical gardens, volunteered for New Orleans after Katrina, sponsored children from underdeveloped countries, taken a dance class, and are practicing two different languages.
God wants us to be happy, but we have to decide what makes us happy.
Good luck. You are ceetainly not alone in your situation. you'll figure it out. think of what you daydream about, that will give you some perspective.
Sandie,
SHEWEEE! Our men can sure drive us crazy, can't they? Three years ago, I moved in with dug. I had my own home for 18 years. He had his own home. We got rid of his stuff, fixed up his house and moved my stuff in. I'm incredibly picky, tidy, neat, anal. He is a S.L.O.B. He started moving MY STUFF...omg. And then he was always here when I left for work and when I got home. I finally had to tell him to give me space and time to transition...you know change out of work clothes, etc. I said "when I am ready to talk after work, I will come to you." It doesn't always work, but for the most, he lets me have my space. Then...because he works at the YMCA one night a week...I get that night to MYSELF and BOY OH BOY do I love it! Maybe GENTLY you can tell hubby what you need and what you don't need. I will say a prayer! xo, Cheryl
G'evening Sandie ...
Deep breath here! Have you considered showing your hubby this post, and encouraging his feedback?
I agree with so many who've suggested a hobby or volunteer activities. n' I'm guessing (key word here!) that he's perhaps feeling like a fish-out-of-water, thinking he's helping you ... when in fact, you're innards are twisting and turning.
I'm standing with you in prayer time ... there WILL come an answer!
Sandie I do understand this! When I lost my job 18 months ago and became retired, C was still working. Now he is also retired. I do most of the work around here and he doesn't do much. Still I don't answer to him since we both have our on $$ and share expenses. I will keep praying you can find some peace with these changes. Love ya my friend! Linda
oh, Sandie. i do know just what you mean when you describe the "standing still." i call it my sitting in the road and not moving time. it is like limbo. i do believe that there is a purpose for every season. this sounds like a very tough spot, but you are a wise woman... a crone. we don't get to crone status without being able to survive... and then to thrive. you will thrive again... it is in your nature... your very being. you have learned your lessons... applied them to your life... this may be your PhD level, but i have great faith that God will lead you through this challenge, too.
change... adjustments... life's lessons. some lessons i don't like!
maybe you need an outside-the-house job. ;) big hugs ~ tanna
Oh I can identify with most of what you are saying. We need to do a lunch next week because you need a mental health day out of the house. Call Linda and pick a day and let me know.
Joyce
Hi Sandi
I hear you! I was in a serious automobile accident in 2006. Not a life threatening accident but very serious. I broke my back, needed surgery, the part of the back that was not broke was all out of alignment. I was in surgery for 5 hours and now I have a six inch titanium rod with six screws in my L3, L4 and L5 (lower back, lumbar). I can’t bend, can’t tie my shoes (figured out a new way for that). Can’t polish my toe nails or trim them (oh shucks, need a pedicure monthly – poor me). If I drop something I have to squat to pick it up. This list goes on and on and on of things I “thought” I could no longer do. I was active, really active before my accident. I would bike ride out 30 miles, turn around and come home, 60 miles was a weeknight ride the weekend rides were even more. Then the accident. I gained A LOT of weight (over 70 pounds), also got depressed, wanted to die – seriously!
NOW here I am, I am feeling good about ME, about life and I have learned all kinds of new ways to do things that I can no longer do the conventional way. I have lost my weight and am now again in the best shape of my new life. Took up walking, running intervals and I hope to bike ride again this summer, I will probably need a new bike, one that won’t make me bend. Ran on Saturday in my first run for St. Patty’s Day in beautiful downtown St. Louis. My FIRST run of many to come. And in January 2012 I will turn 50 and I will be the healthiest, fittest 50 year old around.
Figure out a new plan, a new way and you can do anything you set your mind too! IF you need help, I am here for you!
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Sandie, I'm so glad I went back and read this! I can relate to this totally. Not because my husband is retired, but because he runs his business out of our home a good deal of the week - some months he's hardly here and others, he is here ALL THE TIME. Fortunately we have been doing this most of our married life. He doesn't mess in "my territory" read, my job, but I just don't have a lot of alone time.
I know my mom and dad had a huge adjustment when he first retired. He suddenly had opinions on the laundry, the vacuuming, the cooking - things he never noticed before. My mother decided to let him have at it and started volunteering and joining groups that took her out of the home. He eventually developed a routine that kept him busy and out of her "business" and it worked out!
Now that your knee is better you can start doing something's for you (for your mental health anyway) and I suspect your hubby will find his way too. It's got to be a huge adjustment to retire and be home all the time. He will develop some new interests and hobbies that will keep him busy.
I admire you for reaching out and being honest. I think it will get better Sandie. Change is always hard, even change for the good. It's going to be good soon. Ann
Oh, and if LadyJane and you need a third for that trip - I'm in! Ann
When you say "job" Sandie, you mean the work you do around the house, right? Just wanted to double check because I kept thinking that I was missing something and that you're still working (outside the home.)
Anyway, we all have our own way of doing things. I don't think that your husband thinks you're doing things wrong, he's just doing it HIS way and in my opinion (if someone were to ask me), whoever does the job, gets to do it their way, as long as it gets done.
As you take over, you can change things around and do it YOUR way again - I think it's wonderful he took over like that - I also wonder if he's going to miss being so involved in family activities...maybe you two can share the chores and make it easier on you - and make him feel more important. Men always need to feel like they are contributing something important to the family or else they lose their way...I hope it works out for the better.
Your grandson's doing so well...congratulations!
OH BOY - Yes! I get this one. My husband is home most of the time, too. And he's very sweet, and quiet - but he's always there! It is difficult - like even when he doesn't want anything, I'm still aware of his presence, and feel like I don't have any privacy.
And the budget thing - boy oh boy. There's nothing that makes me want to go on a spending spree more than having someone tell me I can't. It's like when you're going to have some medical test or procedure, and they tell you that you can't have anything to eat or drink after midnight - I have never been hungrier or thirstier than those nights!!
Standing still - yes, I have definitely felt that. And I think God was really working on some trust issues. (Haven't mastered that lesson yet, by the way). But, God has brought a couple of new things into my life. And I find that it's very challenging. Did I learn anything from the still times? I think so - mostly that I can't take that next step without God RIGHT THERE BESIDE ME!!
xoxo
hang in there...by your fingernails!
My husband was laid off three years ago. He took over a lot of things and the most important thing is telling me what to do...ha... He is a caretaker helper type, wonderful guy but I totally understand you...!!!shhh don't tell him I said so..ha
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