For 2018

"Life is lived forward, but understood backward. It is not until we are down the road and we stand on the mountain looking back through the valley that we can appreciate the terrain God has allowed us to scale.” Jill Savage

Friday, May 07, 2010

Fun Friday - Take a laugh break . . .

Girlie Wisdom!

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but she doesn't really care..

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends..

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...

8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my panties.

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

12.. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then they marry him.

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!


Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore..
Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."


Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie..' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this...)

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for$1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

Happy Birthday to Robert Browning - wikipedia

In 1845, Browning met Elizabeth Barrett, who lived as a semi-invalid and virtual prisoner in her father's house in Wimpole Street. Gradually a significant romance developed between them, leading to their secret marriage and flight in 1846.

The marriage was initially secret because Elizabeth's father disapproved of marriage for any of his children.) From the time of their marriage, the Brownings lived in Italy, first in Pisa, and then, within a year, finding an apartment in Florence at Casa Guidi (now a museum to their memory).

Their only child, Robert Wiedemann Barrett Browning, nicknamed "Penini" or "Pen", was born in 1849. In these years Browning was fascinated by and learned hugely from the art and atmosphere of Italy. He would, in later life, say that 'Italy was my university'. Browning also bought a home in Asolo, in the Veneto outside Venice, and in a cruel irony the poet Browning died on the day that the Town Council approved the purchase. His wife died in 1861

And Eva Peron

Despite having undergone a hysterectomy by the American surgeon George T. Pack, Evita's cancer returned rapidly. She developed lung metastasis and was the first Argentine to undergo chemotherapy (a novel treatment at that time). Despite all available treatment, she became emaciated, weighing only 79 lb. by June 1952.

Evita died at the age of 33, at 8:25 p.m., on July 26, 1952. The news was immediately broadcast throughout the country, and Argentina went into mourning. All activity in Argentina ceased; movies stopped playing; restaurants were closed and patrons were shown to the door.

A radio broadcast interrupted the broadcasting schedule, with the announcer reading, "It is my sad duty to inform you that today at 20:25 Eva Perón, Spiritual Leader of the Nation, entered immortality."

Eva Perón was granted an official state funeral.


Cheri said...

These were good and made me laugh. I can relate to so many of the Girlie Wisdom. Before I got to the end of the Senior Wedding I just knew that was going to be the end result, too funny.


Life is good! said...

funny, funny, funny! thanks for making my day start out with a smile! have a great weekend!

Angela said...

Those are good Sandie! Made me laugh out loud!

Have a Wonderful Weekend!

The Quintessential Magpie said...

Cute, Sandie! I like, "You can't stay young forever, but you can be immature!" LOL!

Thanks for the laughs...


Sheila :-)

Linda said...

Oh Good Laughs today!!! Love the Senior Wedding! cracks me up!

Sallie (FullTime-Life) said...

Ha ha ha..ppy Friday!! Thanks.

Together We Save said...

Hope you have a Happy Friday!! You have made my day!! 2 for $1!!!

That corgi :) said...

loved the elderly couple's joke with the bridal registry; too funny!

see you in about a week or so :)


Noni at The Brick Street Bungalow said...

ROTFLOL! I love the "bridal registry" one!!!!

Annesphamily said...

You make me laugh and smile every time I come over here! Don't forget to stop by for my giveaway! I always see you commenting at my blog and it means a lot to me. Happy Mother's Day to you! Hugs Anne

Homemade Quilts by Granny said...

This is for sure.
4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

FishHawk said...

Wow, you really give one their money's worth when visiting here! By the way, does anyone know how two pounds of chocolate can cause one (not just women--neither!) to gain five pounds?

Buttercup said...

As ever you gave me some chuckles. The bridal registry one really made me laugh. Wishes for a great Mother's Day!

ocmist said...

Thanks for the chuckles!