MOVING A DEAR FRIEND.
Ten years ago, I was in a group of women from church, but not for church reasons. We just got together once a week, ate lunch, and played cards. Things changed, during Covid we would meet outside - even in the winter we'd dress warm. In the light rain - held up umbrellas. We started meeting less. The group started to chang, but until just recently about four of us still got together for lunch once a month.
I am in the back behind the green umbrella in like a dark pink.
The first one moved into an assisted living I guess you would say - but doesn't need assistance yet. She can get more help as time goes by if she needs it. She moved about an hour away to live closer to her daughter. This place took all her money from her home sale, and I guess her Medicare Monthly.
So no money left for the kids.
The second one - my dear Marilyn has passed away from ovarian cancer.
The third one and the one I am probably closest to, moved to a Cadillac of an adult community that she can grow old in as well. They have everything there and I mean everything.
If you want to retire in this one - you better have a lot of money.
Number four has been diagnosed as bi-polar and seems to be hard for her to function with us.
She says she is coming but never shows up anymore. She also has her days and nights mixed up.
My next closest number five is married and living with her husband.
Still at home.
Let's say I am number six and I am married and living with my husband.
Still at home. BLESSED.
Number seven is the one whose life is changing as we speak. We are hurting for her right now.
She moved from Michigan years ago to come take care of her grandsons, when her daughter's husband filed for divorce.
She sold her house up there and put all her money in the daughter's house to help pay if off.
Over the years she's paid for a good deal of the bills as well.
Shes lived with her daughter now for about fifteen years and now the boys are grown up.
Her daughter has basically kicked her out of the house.
We knew it was coming eventually, but not where she gave her one month to get out. Her daughter when she was home, treated her mother ugly even in front of us. She told her mom if she didn't get out she'd go to a lawyer???
Well, our church group has taken up money and our little group of gals have set her up to the best of our ability.
Her daughter did find this home for her. It's not a Cadillac of a place, but it is not horrible either.
Problem one - She is in an assisted living facility - but it's mostly for memory care and her memory is sharp.
Problem number two is she can't walk.
She is heavy, and her legs are swollen.
She told them when she came in, she was level one - meaning self-sufficient because of her financial situation. She is not.
Every time they help her to the cafeteria, they charge her $5. To help get her up $5.
Everything is a $5. They want her to go to level two, but she does not have the money.
It is a nice place, and reasonable considering what the other gals in our group pay.
But to get the help she needs she has to pay a $1000 more a month!!!!!!!!!
Her daughter basically kicked her out of the house.
She did not give her or let her take any furniture.
We worked and got furniture from all over to supply and set up the room.
Her daughter will not help pay and does not come to visit.
Basically, she is abandoned, and our hearts are broken.
I am not asking for help - if you get reading this far - just prayers.
I don't know of an answer. There really isn't one except prayer.
She's made a lot of mistakes along the way AND she doesn't stand up enough for herself.
Our group has been telling her this for years - but you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink it.
A couple weeks ago when I was there - I saw that she had cellulitis. I have seen it before. I told them at the home that she needed to be put in hospital - but they gave her an ice pack and aspirin. I got mad and said she needed to be in the hospital and they well you can put her in right now. I didn't know what to do.
She's on her second week at the hospital now.
They are having trouble getting it controlled.
She will have to go to rehab after this - but she has to be able to stand up and she can't.
Can they cure it? Will she ever go back to her room?
WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING TO HAPPEN?
So frankly I don't know any answer - but God is always there, and we all have to trust.
WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS??
Because my mind has been on this for quite a while.
Pay attention while growing old.
HAVE A PLAN.
Don't give your money away and trust that the right thing will happen.
Get a legal notarized check of what you paid on a property.
KEEP RECORDS
If someone starts talking about you moving - BEWARE THEY MEAN IT.
If friends offer you advice - LISTEN.
If they give you phone numbers to call and get information - CALL!
Look at homes around you.
Be proactive.
AGAIN, HAVE A PLAN.
30 comments:
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Matthew 10:29-31
Praying for the two of them to work this out. Also, for this family problem to no longer run in their family, that the daughter's sons would not do this too.
This is so sad, the kind of thing you just can't understand. And Sandi is right - the daughters sons are seeing this example their mom is setting. Praying a solution is found.
Oh, Sandie, I'm so sorry to read all of this. You are such a good friend to help her the way you are. The elderly should always be taken care of, respected, and appreciated. Her situation definitely needs prayer.....and I will whisper a prayer for her right now. And I will e-mail you too!
~Sheri
Will be praying for your friend. How terrible her daughter treats her like that. Thankfully my daughter invited me to live with her so I'd have the help I needed. We have always gottten along and she does take good care of me. I have control over my own money and do contribute to my living expenses, I also have a son that lives near by that helps me out too. I'm loved and taken care of very well. I can't imagine any of my family treating me like that.
So sad, and sadly more prevalent than one might think. When I was caring for my friend, Helen, I visited at least once a week and so many would gather around us when we sat at a table to talk. So many are hungry for attention and someone to pay attention, other than the staff. It is sad. Your friend and all of you helping will be in my prayers. I hope she gets the extra help needed when she goes to rehab and can be more self-sufficient when she returns to assisted living. You are so right that we older folks need to pay attention, make plans, and know who to trust. Do her grandsons know what their mom is doing?
Oh Sandie my heart goes out to your friend. I can see how upset you are for her. Pray that she can at least return to her assisted living place but it does look and sound like she is going to need more care than what she thought she would need. It is so hard to see our friends struggle. What a wonderful friend you are to care for her and see that she gets the medical attention needed. Will pray for her and also for her daughter to find compassion for her mom. Take care dear one. Hugs!
Does the county she lives in have an Elder Abuse Advocacy division? It is so prevalent in our society sadly. She should have an elder abuse ombudsman - is a public official who advocates for the rights and well-being of older adults, particularly those residing in long-term care facilities.
Both my sons work in these Care facilities - one is Veterans and the other is a Private care facility. The daughter throwing her mom out - that is totally illegal here. My father-in-law was living in Wisconsin with his 4th or 5th wife (he kept outliving his wives) when she got sick and the large family kicked my FIL out - oh they kindly put him on a plane, in his wheel chair and sent him to California without telling us. We found out after the fact and were frantically looking for him. About a week later, he was living at a homeless shelter. We were reported to the elder abuse board. After explaining the situation they termed it as “elder dumping” from the Wisconsin family but they don’t have such laws so nothing was done. They got away with it. It’s a terrible situation your friend is in but with some advocacy I’m positive she could find a better place. Prayers for her and that God will intervene and lead the right person to advocate for her rights.
My heart is breaking along with yours for your dear friend, Sandie. I don't understand how children can show such disrespect and ingratitude to their parents who have done so much for them. Yes, I will pray for her and for you. Blessings for all you've managed to do for her thus far!
Sandi, It is a very sad situation for your friend and the real tragedy is that adult children will say they will take care of you etc: and when push comes to shove, they don't. My sister went through this and is also very unhappy. I think about this often for me and Jay and frankly it scares me. I pray for your friend.
What a bittersweet post! I'm at a loss to understand why your friend's daughter would be so cruel. In the words of a wise man I once knew, "Someday she'll shed bitter tears." Meanwhile! I know your friendship means the world to her. I'm honored to join you in prayer
I echo Sandi's ♥️ comment, which she expressed so beautifully.
This is so sad. It scares me. You have been through so much with these women and these poor women have suffered greatly. Sending prayers. ((HUGS))
This makes my heart ache. How can family do this to each other??
Prayers coming and I'm thankful you are caring too.
I really like Debby (Shasta) advice. That's a good place to start and document everything!!
I am so grateful for my sons and their wives. As Jesus as their cornerstone it makes all the difference in the world.
Sue
This is unbelievable! WHY would her daughter do this? No excuse, really. Even if she hated her mother, that is not an excuse. But you did good! Because of you, she is in the hospital. The many times I have been in the hospital, in bed...after not being on your feet for days, you have to re-learn to walk. But they always sent P.T. in, and they had me walking before I left. You and I are SO blessed!!!
That must be her only child. How sad that makes me her daughter better look out Karma is a bad thing.
How could anyone treat someone like that is beyond me.
Cathy
Thank you. That is so sad. Bless you for helping.
You are correct. Pay attention and act accordingly, this is most important as we age. Prayers for your friend, strong ones.
This is so sad. To think that someone could do this to their own mother. I wasn't the least bit close to my mother but would never have thought of doing anything like this. Thankfully she has you to help her out as much as you can. Sending prayers that all works out for your friend.
That is terrible, I'm so sorry. The fact is this country has turned elder care into a corporate money grab - most people do not have the means to properly care for themselves/ their parents. It's shameful. A friend of mine and her sister moved her mom to the Netherlands where the sister lives - her apartment is gorgeous, the aide that checks on her is provided by the government, and her elder community allows independence as long as possible. And now with cuts to social safety nets it will be even worse. :(
Oh dear Sandie....This breaks my heart for your friend. I do not understand how anyone could do something like this to their mom. Not only does she need help financially, but she needs compassion, dignity and hope. Sounds like you ladies are helping with this. I just can not imagine how heavy your hearts must be to see your friend in this shape. Prayers for her physically, emotionally , and financially. Adding this need to my prayer list. This is great advice you offered here!
I hope your friend gets better. So very sad. My cousin did the same thing to my aunt. She sold her home to buy a condo for her daughter (my cousin) and her daughter somehow took her off the condo while she was alive. My aunt was devastated, but was able to purchase another smaller home North of us in a rural area here in Michigan. She ended up working until she passed away two years ago. She never got to retire and my cousin never even went to her funeral. So sad that family does this, but I always say karma will get them back some day. Janice
Ahhh sweet lady, so any truths, YES there are definitely the sad times, for sure. It is unbelieveable how some family members can treat loved ones. But i smiled as I read:
..................I am married and living with my husband.
Still at home. BLESSED.
YES we too feel the same... Great and timely entry... Love ya!
I am praying for the sad situations your friends are in. I offer all my sympathies and prayers in all sincerity. God bless.
In France you have the obligation to pay for your parents if they are in need. I had to pay 2000$ each month for her old people’s home because she had spent all her money
And couldn’t pay for it. If you can’t pay they can sell your belongings!
We are anticipating everything for our children not to have to pay for us in the future.
Beautiful blog
Please read my post
Oh my so sorry to read this.
Keeping your friends in my prayers.
All the best Jan
I am so sorry for your dear friend. How do things like this happen?? Prayers for your sweet friend.....
I've been thinking about this in recent times. We have an elderly couple in our neighborhood and there is no one to look after them. I try to help out as much as I can and I keep thinking this will be me one day...
OhMyWord!!! My heart is breaking for her AND you!! What avoidable situation!! You don't sell Your home to pay off Anyone else's home! Ever... But I'm sure she knows that now. And I'm not understanding why that home keeps charging her for help! If she now has nothing...she should be able to move to a nursing home with Medicaid paying the bills. Why was she put in the wrong category for level of care...something stinks in Denmark!
Someone needs to check with the Administrator of the hospital she is in and explain what is going on. They'll be able to direct that someone to a better solution. But, Nothing will change if she doesn't advocate for Herself!
She Must now fight... No one can do that for her. In the end, it's all up to her.
You and your other friend can't worry yourself sick over this. Do what you can then, let God.
Sending prayers and a BIG hug to you!!
Donna
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