For 2018

"Life is lived forward, but understood backward. It is not until we are down the road and we stand on the mountain looking back through the valley that we can appreciate the terrain God has allowed us to scale.” Jill Savage

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Chatty up close and personal ~ self analyzing ~

Sometimes when I look at my Blog I think to myself what am I doing and where am I going. Who am I and how can I be such a blend of ideas and beliefs. I guess I've always been that way.

Even in school years ago when there were "groups" I never was just in one group. I was such a blend. I was a class officer, student council, academically 71 out of 771 students, involved in the church, yet friends with the - do you remember the "greasers" - and the geeks? I just really have always loved all sorts of people. Black or white makes no difference and I still feel the same way today. You get so much out of opening your heart.

I have friends and family it seems across the United States. I have a wonderful Jewish friend. I'm involved in the church, yet I do look at some new age kind of things - not the God is me - a universal God thing, I know who my God is, but don't you think there is some good in everything?

I mean there is something good in being calm and meditating. To being peaceful and happy. Who said a Christian can't be these things? Actually, The Secret is being taught at church. Not in the same way as the book, but we kind of had a sermon on it last week. Even at our Reliv meetings they talk about being positive and not letting the negative creep in.

Now, it seems my life is like a roller coaster. There are ups and downs. My ups last longer, but I do have my downs. I don't mean down like depression (although I know what depression is), I mean having my life together where I want it (mind you it is not a life that hurts other peoole - it's just a good happy place). I have it in my mind how I want to be and how to do it. I try to be that way yet the people in my life get in the way of me staying that way. It seems to me - and maybe I am wrong - that the more positive I am - the less positive people in my family are. I don't understand.

I try my very hardest to stay positive. And without directly telling them to be positive I kind of drop hints. I have index cards around the house - I am happy, I feel good, I am healthy, I am rich - silly a little bit I know - but...

And the more they see me happy - by gosh - the more they dig in to being unhappy. I almost feel like they want to bring me down too. Are they jealous of the change - uncomfortable with the change - what?

Okay these people feel toxic to me, yet they are my family. What does one do with that? How does one deal with that? How do I not let their negativity hurt me and bring me down? Most of the time it doesn't and I do okay, but this past weekend was extremely hard for me. I can't hold them up and myself - it's too heavy of a load and actually, I've already been there and done that. I guess the feeling I am trying to deal with is frustrating and anger. And I know anger is worse on me then it is on them, but I am having such a hard time.

I've worked on letting go and some days are better than others, but things are such that everyone seems to be home all the time and because of that things are getting harder. I feel I'd love to run away. Where would I go? How would or could I do that? Maybe Tuscany?

Even Chatty Crone has her days. It's one of those days where I'm going to go to church, pick myself up by my bootstraps, and just go on.

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